


Day Is Gone

by deanscas



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Angel Dean Winchester, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Castiel in the Bunker, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Dean, M/M, Nightmares, POV Dean Winchester, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Protective Castiel, Protective Sam Winchester, Sad Dean, Substance Abuse, comforting cas, post episode: s13e13 Let The Good Times Roll, somewhat happy ending, suicidal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-17 05:33:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16089083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanscas/pseuds/deanscas
Summary: After Michael leaves, Dean is a shell of who he used to be, Cas fights to pick up his broken pieces and put him back together again. Will they make it or will they break even more?





	Day Is Gone

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically my first multiple chapter fic that i’ve really ever done so i apologize for any mistakes <3 this will have a /some/what happy ending so there is that to look forward to but there’s definitely a road of pain before we get there.

Dean cracked his knuckles loudly and pushed his head down as he squeezed his eyes closed. His whole world felt as if someone decided to set a match to it and let it keep burning. The feeling of being trapped and not being able to get out haunted him even when he was awake and he couldn’t do anything to make it go away. No matter how many showers he took, how many times he washed his hands it was never getting cleaned. Steadily, he opened his eyes, but with immense anxiety each time he could see more of the real world. The real world is full of so much pain, he thought to himself, there’s either someone else dying or you’re dying.  
-  
A knock on Castiel’s bedroom gave him a jump, he wasn’t particularly used to people coming to visit him, it was always the other way around. He constantly tried to check up on Dean, Sam, and Jack to make sure they were okay, make sure there wasn’t any way he could help them or make them feel better. The angel reached for the doorknob, he didn’t need to ask who it was, he knew it was Dean, he could feel the anxiety and pain radiating through the walls ever since he got back a little less than two weeks ago. Cas continuously tried knocking on Dean’s door but was always pushed away by phrases like “I’m fine.” The older Winchester wasn’t one to give in and let himself break easily because he knew after that he would be vulnerable to be hurt even more than before and he couldn’t handle that.

 

“Hey, you alright?” Cas said calmly as he opened the door, trying to gauge how Dean felt, though, he knew there was no way in heaven or hell that Dean would admit he wasn’t okay.

 

“Yeah, I - uh - just need some toilet paper I know you got a little stash in here,” Dean laughed, “Still don’t understand why it’s not like you pee anyway.” 

 

Cas chuckled, “Yeah, one minute, I’ll get you some.” Cas actually had a good reason for storing toilet paper in his room, and it was for this exact reason, he knew it was a way he could get Dean in his room. Now, whether they end up talking or doing anything more, he didn’t care, he just wanted to be with Dean. 

 

“One fresh roll of TP,” Cas said calmly, extending his arm out towards Dean’s body as he gave him the toilet paper. While standing there just looking at Dean he noticed how small and tiny he looked, he looked like you could tap him and his bones would fall apart and onto the ground below them. Cas could also feel his heart racing, Cas was human for a little while so he gathered what a rapid heart rate meant and in this instance it definitely wasn’t happiness as much as Castiel wished it was.

 

“Thank you - for everything.” Dean let out a shaky loud breath. The end’s of his lips forcefully curled up trying to make himself smile, the only reason he was able to get himself to somewhat do it was because Cas was in the room. “I’m - um..” Dean paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. “I’m having a hard time, which I’m sure your angel mojo has gathered, and you being here for means… It means more than you could know.” Dean licked his lips, an attempt to get himself to not start crying in front of Cas. His heart was pounding inside his chest and it was as if he was having a continuous panic attack happening over and over again.

 

“Dean -“ Cas trailed off, not being able to finish a sentence looking at Dean the way he was. Of course there was the insane and terrible mental differences Cas had picked up on, but the physical one’s made him feel sick to his stomach. His eyes had moon-like shaped dark circles from Michael not sleeping once while he possessed Dean, it was one of his favorite forms of torture along with the not eating at all whatsoever. This resulted in dean losing a ton of weight. All of his jeans and shirts swallowed him whole and made him look scrawny and fragile. 

 

“Hey, sit down. Can we talk?” Cas was finally able to say to Dean. 

 

“Cas - I - I can’t.” Dean said as fast as he could, slowly backing away towards the door and waving his hands in front of him like they were some form of protection to keep him from letting his guard down.

 

“Please?” Cas was sat on the bed holding his hand out for Dean to grab onto and join him. 

 

Dean stood by the door frantically shaking his leg, biting his lower lip as he looked as Cas in the eye. His eyes as blue as the ocean and as comforting as a bed. “It’ll be okay. I promise.” Cas said looking at Dean with such deep sincerity and calmness.

 

“Damn it,” Dean said in a grumbly tone under his breath. He didn’t have it in him to say no to Cas when he was looking at him like that. “Crap.” He took three large steps and made it to the front of the bed where Cas was sat down in front of him. 

 

“Sit,” He moved over to the the left so Dean would have more room to sit and be comfortable. That was always Cas’ number one priority and now even more than ever. 

 

Dean stood in front of the bed for almost three more minutes, he hadn’t broken in front of anyone since he got back and he really didn’t want to, especially in front of someone as pure and as good as Cas was, he didn’t wanna burden him with the absurd amount of weight he had been carrying. “Cas. I - I - Can we not do this, please?” Dean pleaded like a child that was trying to beg their parent not to make them go on a big scary roller coaster, which was exactly how Dean’s stomach felt on the inside, and talking to Cas would be the big hill.

 

“Dean, trust me…” He grabbed onto his hand, squeezing it as tight as he possibly could hoping it would amount to some comfort to him. Dean’s hands were definitely not at all soft and smooth, they were clammy and rough. He was sweating an insane amount because of all the anxiety he had had since Michael. 

 

“Stop - My hands are disgusting.” Dean pressed his lips down onto each other, closing his eyes and jerking his hand out of Cas’. He felt disgusting and dirty and he hated everything about how he looked and how he felt. Everytime he looked in the mirror it was verifying every single bad thing he had ever thought about himself in his lifetime. 

 

Cas frowned, not because Dean let go of him, he understood that, but because he felt so terrible about himself. Cas was aware how low Dean’s self worth was before Michael and he genuinely didn’t think it could get any worse, that was until now. Castiel wasn’t one to normally use his powers to be able to tell what Dean was feeling or thinking, but he was guilty of doing it ever since Dean returned. He was so worried for him and he thought that the best way he could help is if he knew what was going on in his jumbled up head.

 

“How are you?” Cas asked even though the answer was quite obvious to anyone who had two eyes and a hint of common sense. 

 

Dean moved his body further to the right, as if that would somehow help him in any way. Truth be told he didn’t even have a single idea as to why he did it. Maybe it was some subconscious thought that he was going to corrupt Cas.

 

“You’re not going to hurt me by telling the truth. You can trust me.” Cas decided he should butt in and put those unrealistic thoughts of Dean to rest so that he would finally at least somewhat let his guard down.

 

Castiel’s comment pulled Dean back to the real world, but still all he was thinking about was how lucky he was to have someone like Cas in his life and how much this celestial being didn’t deserve an inch of what he and Sam had put him through for their own wants. 

 

“I think you probably know how I am.” Dean let out a shaky breath as if he were about to start whistling. “The panic attacks, um even more nightmares than before, the constant anxiety and pain.” He paused, feeling sick to his stomach about all the things Michael, no he, did to innocent people and even Castiel. 

 

When Sam, Cas, and Jack finally stumbled upon Michael after weeks of searching for him he wasn’t so kind to Cas. He intruded into Dean’s mind and found out what he loved more than anything in the entire world and decided to put whatever power he had into hurting or killing whoever it was. That wasn’t all, though, Michael did the same thing he did when he used Dean to kill lucifer. Dean was there completely and 100% mentally, but Michael was controlling everything physical, Dean could feel every single punch hitting Cas’ face, every single bone the archangel broke for it to heal only to be broke once more. Dean was still able to talk as Michael was doing all of the terrible things to Cas and he wouldn’t stop saying that he was sorry the entire duration of the time, every time his hand’s hit a part of his body tears rolled down his face as he whimpered trying to close his eyes so he wouldn’t have to watch Michael destroy the one good thing in this world.

 

“You can’t blame yourself for what Michael did to me.” Cas pleaded with Dean, setting his hand onto his shoulder to try to comfort him. “Look at me, I don’t have a single bruise. I healed, I’m perfectly fine, you didn’t hurt me.” If Cas was being honest, while Michael was punching him it hurt like hell, but he definitely wasn’t ever going to tell Dean that, there was no reason and he was all healed now. 

 

“It won’t stop replaying in my head.” Dean grabbed onto his mouth suddenly feeling sick with nausea. His mind moving a hundred miles a minute, flash after flash of what Michael did to the person he loved most in the world playing on a loop. “The things I did to you. How much I hurt you. It makes me wanna die, Cas.” At this point his eyes had filled with water, and dean fought with every bit of fight he had left in him to not let them fall. 

 

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but he had no idea what he could do to make dean feel better. “Come here..” Cas opened his arms wide, motioning for Dean to move his body into them. He needed to just let all of the pain he was keeping trapped inside out. It was eating away at him, making him feel like he was going insane, which he kind of was at this point.

 

“Cas….” Dean sounded like a child, whining at Cas’ request. “Y- you know I can’t.” He said as his voice shook on every syllable. Dean pushed his fingers into his eyelids, one of his favorite techniques to keep himself from crying. Michael actually taught him this, every one in a while Dean would be mentally crying and a tear or two would slip out and Michael would do the same exact thing so it wouldn’t seem like the archangel was the one crying.

 

“Dean!” Cas yelled upon seeing him put pressure on his eyes, it looked so painful to him. “Stop it! Please!” He pushed Dean’s hands out of his eyes, looking bewildered at what the older Winchester was doing to himself. 

 

Dean sat there, facing away from Cas as tears started falling and wouldn’t stop. At first his face felt hot and the tears burned his skin as much as his heart was. Then, gradually, they became cooling, making him feel cold and empty. Exactly how Michael left him, cold and empty, a shell of the man he used to be.

 

Cas decided to intervene and lightly rub his hands on Dean’s back, he was hiccuping from the amount of crying he was doing, “It’s okay..” he whispered to Dean, pulling his fragile and extremely broken body into his warm welcoming pillow of a body. “Let it out. Just keep breathing. You’re gonna be fine.” Dean’s head was down on Cas’ leg wetting the angels pants more than jumping in a pool would, but Castiel didn’t care. As weird as it sounded, Cas loved having Dean right there, not the fact that he was in such pain, but the fact that he could be of even a sliver of comfort to him.

 

More tears continued to fall, for the next hour or so until Dean’s eyes began getting heavier from the lack of sleep and the enormous amount of tears he had let out of his body in just a short period of time. He felt them closing in on him and the world got dark, it was nothingness, but it was better than the real world he had been facing.

 

“Dean?” Castiel asked confused once he realized the crying had stopped. If he was being honest for a minute he thought Dean had died, not that was realistically possible. His body was laid limp in Cas’ lap, completely motionless and still. “Okay...Uh.” Castiel said under his breath trying to situate himself so he could move Dean and lay him down on the bed. Typically, Cas dreaded lifting Dean’s body because though his body was healthy and fit he had a lot of weight on him. Now, though, his body was as light as a feather which didn't so much excite Cas as it did worry him and make him feel sad. 

 

After a minute or two of getting Dean perfectly situated on the bed, Castiel covered him with layers of blankets, he had to be freezing with the weight he lost.

 

Cas turned the light off, whispering one simple yet such an astounding phrase, “I love you.”


End file.
